A New and Gross Concept

2008: Year in Review

End of Senior Year:

A semester ago seems like an eternity away. What I remember of this time in my life is...

-Working at Chick-Fil-A and the subsequent life-changing drama that follows from working at that place

-School from 7:15-12. No more, no less. (Okay maybe sometimes less. When I would ditch Marketing for no good reason and Mom would call me in simply because I had been a good kid the rest of high school.) I took Lindsay home. We would laugh a lot. Particularly about my ridiculous inability to drive. Some days I'd go out to lunch with friends. Then, Brit would come over. We would spend the afternoon together watching Numbers, taking Stan on walks, or one or both of us would be working. My favorite part of every day was Sociology. What an experience that class was. Good ol' Mr. Clark.

-Avoidance of homework and all things school-related (except for the vital Calc BC work for hours each night when Brit left at 1 am). Hence flailing grades. But I eventually did the minimal amount of work necessary in order to raise them back to an A.

-180 on Wednesday nights were a highlight of my week. I had the best small group ever.

January:

-My 6th and final Winter Retreat. Senior Dinner that Saturday. Coloring on placemats with my fellow seniors.

-Senior Study at Dan's house was great. He brought a new twist to the new subject each week. The senior events at church were much more defining than those at school.

February:

-Sweethearts Assembly, my last ever.

-Went to Sweethearts dances at 2 different schools, neither of which were my school.

-Lots of hanging out with work friends.

-Going to the Grizzly Rose for line dancing with friends.

-1 year anniversary with Brit. Seems like so much longer.

-Attended my first Scholarship Competition and by some miracle won.

-More Senior Study.

-My 4th and last Glenwood Springs trip with the Kroonenbergs.

March:

-Received my first voicemail with someone screaming unusual insults at me... from one of my bosses.

-A Spring Break comprised of tons of random stuff with Brit like picnics, star-watching, and mountain-trips. Also sledding and chilling.

April:

-Got in my first car accident. Totaled my car. Got blamed for it (even though it wasn't my fault). Urgh.

-More work drama than usual. Gross.

-Columbine's Prom with Brit's friends. The Melting Pot instead of my Prom. Prom=overrated. Both years. But I'm glad I went.

-Found out I won a Heritage scholarship. Decided to jump right on that. LeTourneau here I come.

May:

-Senior Salute Breakfast. It was good to have closure. And cool to have a personal verse given to each of us by Dan.

-Visit from family to see me graduate. (Linnea, Granny, Paps, Kayla, Wayne, Hannah) It was great to have them here for me.

-Graduation aka Gradumagation aka Grajugation. Anticlimactic. And long. Very long. 

-Kyle's Continuation from 8th grade. He's all growed up now as we like to say. "Growin like a weed!"

-Senior Awards Night. I won two scholarships and some stuff for my grades.

June:

-Going to court for my ticket. Gross.

-Read the first three Twilight books in succession. And loved them! I got way too emotionally involved though. The second one had a terrible impact on my emotions.

-Visiting Brit at Summit all the way in Mantiou Springs. I had never driven that long before. I survived though.

-I went to see Kaylie, my best friend growing up, for the first time in years on the way back. It was good to see her.

-Cruise with the big family. Great memories. The Virgin Islands are awesome. Cruises with my family are even better. The entertainment on the cruise this year was amazing too.

-Florida after the cruise. Swimming with the manatees with the Neals. I'll remember that forever!

July:

-Going to the Zoo, journeying to find Blue Bell ice cream, long naps, Numbers, dancing, Disney movies, and playing at different parks with Brit.

-4th of July on Lookout Mountain.

-Lots of shopping at Park Meadows.

-Water world with church friends.

-Bekah visited and paid for me to decorate my dorm room as my graduation present. Fun to see her. Fun to shop. Fun to decorate!

August:

-Breaking Dawn release party. Oh yes I went to it. It was ridiculous but I'm amused that I went.

-Turned 18. No smoking or tattoos for me. But I did vote!

-Driving to LeTourneau. All 15 hours. Without being able to stretch my legs unless out of the car. That was interesting.

-Orientation and all that.

-Granny came to see where I was living and drive Mom to airport.

-Adapting to life at college. Meeting tons of new people that I'll know for a long time. Meeting people actually worth being friends with. All great things. Everyone was nice for once. (Except Trevor, ironically enough.)

-Grew closer to God than I've ever been before. Biggest spiritual high ever. Ever since this time I try to get back to the way things were at this point.

September:

-Broke up with Brit.

-Lots of bonding with people.

-My first college crush. Embarrassing.

-Suite D pictures. In a word, awesomeness.

-B-Dubs Thursdays became consistant.

-Loved hanging out with my G1 girls at the 2A football games.

-Played flag football. That was interesting. And absolutely nothing like Powderpuff in high school. Practicing before games was far more fun than the actual playing.

-Ginny Owens and Shawn McDonald concerts in one night. Then our first night adventuring. I learned that sitting around in the dark at a random rest stop/picnic area talking to people I hardly know is fricken awesome. I also learned that I could feel like I knew these same people for months after only a few hours.

-Cornerstones Retreat. Serious bonding time with the honors kids, Karis and Trevor particularly. Some highlights: angrily throwing rocks in the river, hiking all over Arkansas and eating M&Ms and Skittles to sustain me, sleeping in a Ford Focus hatchback with Karis and Megan, taking a nap next to a guy I hardly knew was pretty memorable, and falling asleep in the middle of the road while looking at the stars

October:

-Concert Month. Beginning with getting to go to the Switchfoot Concert in Dallas free. And meeting them!

-Anberlin concert and trip to Dallas two days later. Staying at Trevor's aunt's house. Talking through the AM hours. First of many. Fun weekend.

-Fall Break at home. Weird to be back after so much had changed.

-Goodwill visits.

-High school football game in Tyler.

-Getting to know the rest of my G1 girls better, starting when I agreed to dress up as a Spice Girl. Quite the bonding experience, apparently.

-AG Silver concert on Halloween instead of Clue Party. Totally worth it. But still kinda sad.

November:

-School got really busy. Lots to do, not enough time. More like not enough drive and commitment to schoolwork, actually.

-Preview student, Morgan.

-Getting to know Trevor more than ever.

-Subsequent drama and friendship problems on and off and on again.

-Lots of time spent with different people than usual.

-Kayla got married on Mom and Dad's 25th anniversary. It was emotional. But good to be with the family. The 5 hour drive from Longview turned out to be a really good thing, lots of talking with God.

-Honors party. Sigh.

-Dark Knight on the mall.

-Trevor asked me on our first date.

December:

-Date with Trevor to look at Christmas lights. Then coffee afterwards.

-Goodwill shopping for White Elephant parties.

-2A/G1 Christmas Party and White Elephant.

-"Cohort 8 Christmas party" and White Elephant.

-Lots of studying. But not enough anyway. Total loss of any remaining concentration on school.

-Study Break party at 2A

-Essays, finals, all that. 

-Relient K concert with Caleb and Trevor.

-Flying back home.

-Reality check.

-Christmas in Texas. Always good to be back with the family. No Kayla, though (on her honeymoon).

-Bourne Movie Marathon with Kyle for New Years

Stanley the Rebel

Is there right and wrong for animals? My first instict is no. After all, only humans have souls, right? Only man is made in the image of God. But I see choice in my dog's eyes. He can choose to obey and he can choose to disobey. He looks guilty when he's done something he knows we wouldn't like and he acts more carefree and happy when he has followed our rules. If animals do have a choice between right and wrong, is there no consequence for which they choose? Is this life really all there is for a dog? And lastly, does an animal have the mental capacity to consider such things? 

In addition, good ol' Stanley has taught me so much about myself in relation to God. When he is rotten, disobeys, rebels, and does things to spite us, we react in anger. We wait a while to forgive him till he's proven himself. We have sometimes called him the "Prodigal Dog." This speaks wonders about God's love for us. When we mess up, even rebel, He forgives us, reminds us of His love, and takes us into His arms. Like the prodigal son, He runs out to greet us. Stanley is just a dog, yet his rebellion inspires a spirit of anxiety at best, utter rage at worst, in our family. I am God's creation, made for the purpose of worshipping Him. How much patience and mind-boggling love must God have to continue to love me the way He does!

Three Heavy Words

"Valiant, vulnerable, and scandalous" describes a woman living out her true design according to John Eldredge in Wild at Heart. These are three things I have always been. Yet the second two I have tried to fight. And the first I now appear to be failing at. What an odd time in my life to read these three words, to consider if they describe me.

Valiant: After a year and a half, I should be all healed up. I went through a stage of mourning, of physical therapy (so to speak), and a time of rejuvenation. But it's still there- a deep scar. And it still hurts, deeply too, whenever I give it time to speak up. Comparatively to others' hardships, mine is easily bearable. Why am I so fragile if not to be rescued? A knight is to save a maiden from her tower of distress. But what if my tower of distress isn't like most people's? What if I can't really explain why it's so distressing? What is my knight to do then? Should valiance come as a result of being rescued or regardless? I thought I was "vibrant" as my mom has always called me. I thought I was valiant. Allowing this hurt to go on so long has broken my image of myself as a courageous woman of God. Instead I know feel like a little girl, broken by people of the past.

Vulnerable: It appears I was too vulnerable. After countless time considering life lessons to be drawn from these experiences, how I could have caused them, and whether not making the mistakes I made could have changed everything, I have simply given up and allowed myself to fall into un-vulnerability. I tell myself that I will not be hurt again. But how can I "guard my heart" without guarding everyone right out of it? Where is the line? I don't do well with general concepts. I like my real-life applications. So what is my real-life application? How can I remain vulnerable and still "guard my heart?" Proverbs 4:23 calls my heart the wellspring of life. No wonder I sometimes feel spent and unable to give myself away.

Scandalous: I have always been, by nature, scandalous. Try to make me follow a rule, and I'll dare to break it in a hurry. But the church community says Scandalous? That's not a virtue. That's not the description of a godly woman. Especially when it comes to a girl with a boy. But John Eldredge dares to argue differently. Never have I heard someone tell me that this part of my nature is good. Never have I heard someone tell me that Ruth was scandalous. How did I never see it? She was a wild woman! I have always been caught between being called a borderline-bad girl to the church and a goody-two-shoes to everyone else. It's a strange place to be in. And although I acted the same at my high school as I did at church, my impression of myself changed depending who I was with. So, let's suppose John's on to something: scandalous is the description of a woman living out her true design. Where does it stop? What is being scandalous and what is being a temptress? Where is the line between encouraging a guy to be a man and tempting a guy to sin? How is it that this part of me that I have always felt compelled to repress is suddenly a positive feature?

So this is when I wait upon the Lord. He's got plenty of answers. I'm just hoping he'll be gracious enough to share a few with me. Yet despite all this confusion, I can rest in knowing this: God is in control and God loves me infinitely. It just can't get any better than that, now can it?